Riding Shotgun With The Giraffes
They're a little lewd and a little rude, but I mean that in the best way possible. The Giraffes rock like nobody's business, and tough shit if you don't like it. Drew of the drums and Aaron of the singing took some time to wax lyrical about a multitude of topics, from Cambodian boys to drinking and everything in between. Become acquainted, and then go witness their raucous rawk (and throw things too) at the Black Cat Backstage on February 7 ($7).
Touring is:
Drew - About 20,000 miles of cock. There is nothing better than taking a road trip with your friends to rock and party every night. And that's all we are obligated to do. It fucking rules.
Aaron - Ruffles and a chubby girl wearing ruffles.
Our first gig was:
D - With or without the current lineup is the question. Our first gig without Aaron and John was at Coney Island High in Manhattan in 1996, may it rest in peace. With this lineup it was at a house party in Brooklyn. We love house parties.
A - A stupendous revelation through which the puny minded citizens of our once great metropolis bore witness to the staggering brilliance that has since become known to worms like yourself as: The Giraffes. Or, at a house party in Brooklyn.
Our favorite venue to play is:
D - Hairy Mary's in Des Moines, Iowa. You get hot dogs and beans and big drunk Indians, and I shat in the middle of the street because I could.
A - An elevated stage, hung high above the dirt encrusted faces of the unwashed masses as they bump, grind and hump one another in a sad and misguided attempt to catch our collective “eye.” This stage of complete stupendipity is located somewhere near to where everyone's first blow job took place, just down the aisle from the Robitussin, and Ephedra, across the street from the public pool where razors are smuggled with impunity… or, house parties, with or without the hard drugs and the women who love them, usually… when you're puking in a strangers kitchen sink, and they still look at you with awe, you know you are really close to where you belong.
Hygiene on a tour is:
D - Suspect at best. Or you could say it is a science experiment. We are working on a new fragrance called "Mantasy."
A - Or, ever seen us? If so then you smelled us.
Our favorite thing about touring is:
D - Truck stops, toothless hookers, duct tape, strippers, fat girls, looking for Sasquatch and of course laying waste to unsuspecting cities.
A - Or “all y'all” and support our troops bumper stickers.
And the least favorite thing:
D - Gas prices and my own personal gas, which costs nothing.
A - America.
City with the best audiences:
D - Cities where there is a high crime rate or where everyone is related (Missoula, Dayton, Atlanta, Orlando).
A - Hobojunction, OHIOWA, or… usually a higher crime rate denotes a good crowd town, and things as they are, crime rates are always in flux, the best crowds are the ones who can't believe that they are actually smoking crack out of an apple after several quarts of gin, or something close to it.
The band member most likely to disappear after a show is:
D - The bass player. But who needs him anyway?
A - Mr. Pants. Or Mr. Dignity.
The tour bus/van smells like:
D - Cameron ManHam (ed. - Mannheim?).
A - The dentist chairs of Cambodia circa 1981. Or, we named it "Dipes." You do the math.
Laundry is: a) washed regularly, b) washed irregularly, c) we go shopping a lot:
D - Irregularly but the smells seems to have become regular.
A - I wear the same clothes every day, all day, all tour.
What's the most unusual item on your rider?
D - Stale crotch and crackers.
A - The Cambodian boy.
Who controls the music in the touring vehicle? And what are you listening to at the moment?
D - It is actually pretty diplomatic depending on how long the drive is. We split it up into hours per person. Now we are listening to Damien reading us these questions. A - Certainly not the Cambodian. Or, we all take turns on the tape deck, and right now I am rocking out to “The Sounds of Genocide” by Mr. Dignity.
Your new favorite watering hole after being on tour? And/or the best place to get greasy, hangover-curing food?
D - The Slap Shack on Exit 142, where you can consume and drop protein at the same time.
A - Mom's house in OHIOWA, for bloody Mary's and bruised George's.
Most amusing memory from your current or most recent tour?
A - Downing a bottle of cough syrup with a 104 temperature, in front of a salad bar on a pizza parlour “stage” while playing in 90 degree heat with a huge wool coat on, next to the ladies room, no pants. Everyone has one.
Please name the city you wouldn't ever play in again? Or, if not a particular city, which venue makes your skin crawl?
D - Boston can chew dick.
A - Fuck CBGB's forever… they will be everywhere soon enough. Like hepatitis.
What band's have you most enjoyed touring with? And what band/s would you love to tour with in the future? Conversely, which band's causes you to become awash with fury?
D - The Means were great and Local H was fun and by fun I mean easy to gang rape, there are just two of them you know. No bands have pissed us off.
A - There are a lot of great bands we have played and toured with, the most fun was with the Means (who are no more) way back in the day. Meat fights, utter undependability -- nuptuals, face biting, good times. I can't really think of one that really makes my skin crawl apart from the obvious ones who make everyone's skin crawl, AKA 99% of what's on MTV, VH1, MTV2 etc… and most of the shit in all of those crappy music mags.
Apart from the obvious cd, what's the merch item of yours you think people should shell out for?
D - A bag of our own shit available in small, medium, and family size. Or the new Giraffes alarm clock. Actually we have some great t-shirts.
A - The limited edition Giraffes home pregnancy test. Piss on the neck and if the tongue turns red you done got knocked up.
There is something in your bio about things being thrown onstage. Does this happen on a regular basis, and what sorts of projectiles have been thrown?
D - It does happen often and we enjoy it, it lets us know the crowd is alive. The weirdest shit was probably a baguette and some cabbage. I take more bottles to the head from Aaron then the crowd.
A - Everything and anything, it's getting to be a bit of a “thing.” I never met a bottle I couldn't take head on. That said, let's up the ante: dead octopi, Williams-Sonoma products, Cambodians, etc….
Have you been to the top of the Washington Monument?
D - No, but I stuck a pencil in my ass once. Similar shape, right?
A - Do I look like a tourist to you?
Please define "sexy metal" as it relates to the Giraffes:
D - I would say aluminum is a sexy metal, or magnesium. I once put a lead pipe in my ass…
A - Nothing more than a phrase, uttered while blind drunk, and appropriately latched on to by those who don't know any better.
How're the plans for world domination coming along?
D - Better than expected. The procreation is fun.
A - Nicely.
What would you like people to be saying about the Giraffes in 50 years?
D - "Guilty, Your Honor." Or, “now that was a great band, not like that shit the kids listen to now.”
A - “Almighty leader, please spare my village, we are a simple people, we just want to live in peace!" Or, "Who is that old man? And why is he making out with my wife?"
Utterly unrelated, but please recite a line of poetry:
D - My balls Your chin, I'm gonna slip it in, Prepare To taste My specimen
And finally, it's BigYawn's round. What's your poison?
D - Sperm Stampede on ice. If you've never had one, call me… Or a double shot of mule juice and lots of whiskey.
A - I guess it's AZT…
To further experience the Giraffes, head over to www.thegiraffes.com , or www.myspace.com/thegiraffes .